Torah Limericks is moving!!!!

Friends,
In a few weeks, my Limericks blog will be moving to a new site:  www.jcastnetwork.org   I'm very excited to be in on the ground floor of this cutting edge site dedicated to exciting and innovative Jewish content.  Check them out.

I will post new limericks on both pages for a few weeks.  All of the previous content from this site is on the Jcastnetwork site as well.

L'Shanah Tovah.

RJB

Nitzavim Limerick

This week’s parasha, Nitzavim, is especially resonant during this time of introspection and Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh (soul searching  - literally “taking an inventory of the soul) prior to the High Holy Days.  Moses reminds us that we all are standing at the foot of Mt. Sinai – every Israelite who is alive – and those yet to be born – to receive God’s instruction.  He tells us: “See, I set before you this day life and blessing, death and curse. Choose Life that you may live.”

Nitzavim

Together we all stood outside

A community unified

At the foot of the mount

We were called to account

To choose life with our arms open wide

Ki Tavo Limerick

Ki Tavo continues Moses' instructions about the proper rituals the Israelites must perform when entering into the land of Israel. In particular, we are commanded to bring the first fruits of the land to the priests and recite the phrase from Deuteronomy 26:8-10: My father was a wandering Aramean. He went down to Egypt in meager numbers and sojourned there; but there he became a great and populous nation....." I've always had a picture in my head of a long line of people - streching for miles - with baskets in their hands - reciting the phrase, dropping their baskets, and leaving. My father was born in Boston - but his parents were from Lithuania. I suppose it doesn't matter - you still have to say the phrase - hence this week's limerick:

If your lineage is pure European
You still must perform this routine -
When you bring your first fruits
To the priests you salute:
“Dad was a roving Aramean”

Ki Tetzei #2

Friends, the extra coffee I drank this AM got me inspired.  Here's another limerick that reflects on the mitzvah of building a parapet around the top of the roof of your house. 

If when building a house you forget
To furnish a parapet
If some careless clown
Should climb and fall down
His bruises could put you in debt

Ki Tetze

This week's parasha - Ki Tetze  - has the unique distinction of containing more commandments than any other parasha in the torah.  The groups of laws found here include family laws, laws concerning executed criminals, domestic laws, laws about marital and sexual misconduct, forbidden relationships, as well as a lot of other social, cultic, poverty, and family legislation. 

One of the most interesting laws concerns that of the "rebellious child" who refuses to listen to his parents.  The text teaches that, if your child (son, actually) refuses to listen to you, and is out of control, he must be presented to the elders of the city, pronounced uncontrollable, and stoned to death.....

As you can imagine, the Rabbis had a difficult time with this mitzvah - as do we all - and they stated unequivocably in the Talmud that this never happened... 

"There never was, nor will there ever be, a child who meets all of the legal qualifications of the 'wayward and rebellious son.' Why then was this law written? That you may study it and receive reward [for the Torah learning, despite its lack of practical application]." (Sanhedrin 71a)

Of course, like everything else in the Talmud, there was one Rabbi who stated:  not only did this happen - but I saw the boy's grave.......

Anyway - here's the Limerick:

If you have a rebellious child

Who won’t listen, gets drunk and is wild
We’re taught to disown him
So the elders can stone him
(But not once was a case like this filed)

Shoftim

Shoftim continues with Moses' teaching about rules of governance once the children of Israel enter into the promised land. The insistence that any society created be based on justice and shun corruption by leaders and the avoidance of contamination by Canaanite culture is a central theme of Deuteronomy.

For jurists to be fair and true
There are things that they never should do
Don’t be blinded by bribes
Or a poor person’s cries
Justice, Justice shall you pursue

Reeh Limerick

Reeh has many themes including prohibitions against pagan worship; deliniating the holiday cycle and the importance of taking care of the stranger and those less fortunate in our midst.  It also continues the Deuteronomic theme of blessings and curses. 

Reeh

God gives a commandment this day

A Blessing for those who obey

But if you choose to ignore

Bad things are in store:

Curses for turning away

Eikev Limerick

This week's parasha continues with Moses' admonition to the Israelites not to forget the lessons learned during the 40 years of wandering in the wilderness. In particular, it addresses the concept of hubris: understanding that any successes and/or failures in the land are directly the results of God's reward or punishment.

When you’ve tasted the fruits of the land
It’s important that you understand
Though you’ve plowed and you’ve tilled
And your stomach’s been filled
It really all came from God’s hand

Vaetchanan

This week's parasha is the Motherlode. It contains, arguably, the most important Jewish texts in the Torah -the Shema and Aseret Ha-Dibrot- the Ten Commandments. Moses continues with his review of the journeys of the Israelites - reminding us that even though he will not enter into the of Canaan himself, we still need to remember all of God's teachings so that we do not fall prey to the ways of the land.


Eve and morning we’re taught to recite
How to love God with heart soul and might
On two tablets inscribed
To all the 12 tribes
10 Commandments to do what is right

Devarim Limerick

Devarim- the final frontier. The Moses who first told God: "I am not a man of words," concludes his life-mission with four dramatic and passionate sermons- his last words to the people before he leaves them to enter the Promised Land without him

Moses knew his life soon would be ended
His record he thus defended
Through a drawn out oration
To the Israelite nation
Reminding them what they transcended

Mas'ey Limerick

This weeks Parasha, Mas'ey, begins with a travelogue, of sorts.  Moses lists all of the places where the Israelites have encamped up to this point.  It then switches gears and Moses relays God’s command to destroy all of the remnants of the Caananites in the land of Israel – both people and religious shrines.  It then goes on to delineate the real estate ascribed to each tribe in the land.  Special cities of refuge are to be created for people who accidentally commit murder.  It concludes with both a geographic reminder of the current location of the Israelites – on the steppes of Moab – across from Jericho – and the conclusion of the story of the daughters of Tzelofchad who were granted the ability to inherit the land of their fathers – as long as they didn’t marry anyone from another tribe.  Here is their story:

Zelophchad he had daughters five

Whose inheritance kept them alive

But to find a good man

They Must look in their clan

If Mennaseh was to survive

Mattot Limerick

This week's parsha, Mattot, has some difficult passages. It contains the laws of vows and the consequences for failing to carry them out. It also speaks about how women are not responsible for fulfilling vows if their husbands or fathers do not want them to.
We then plunge head first into battle with the Midianites- defeating them, taking their valuables and killing off their males- but sparing the women. If you will recall from last week, the Midianite women were the ones who caused so much havoc in the camp. Moses was angry that they were spared. We then learn how three tribes: Gad, Menasseh and Reuven, make a deal with Moses that they will fight to conquer the Land of Canaan, but they won't settle on the West Bank of the Jordan.

Gad, Mennaseh and Reuven,
Thought the Jordan’s East Bank was a’groovin
So they said they’d fight first
Bear the brunt of the worst
But their Cattle and kids they weren’t movin'.

Pinchas Limerick

This week's parasha is named after Pinchas who, at then end of last week's parasha, saves the Israelites from ruin in a graphic and violent action. The Midianites tried to Seduce the Israelites by sending their women to commit lewd and lascivious acts with the Israelite men. By all accounts, they were successful. Cozbi, the daughter of a Midianite priest and Zimri, the prince of the tribe of Shimon, got so carried away that they performed a sexual act in front of the Tabernacle. Pinchas, in a rage, impaled them both through the "stomach" (euphemism alert) and was rewarded for his actions.

Pinchas, he got his reward
For zealous use of the sword
He made everything right
For the Israelites
When Cozbi and Zimri got gored

Balak Limerick

This week's parasha tells the story of Balak, the Moabite king who hired the pagan prophet, Bilam to curse the Israelites. Bilam, as the story goes, could only say the words that God put in his mouth. As a result, instead of cursing, he gave us the beautiful blessing: Mah tovu ohalecha Yaakov, mishkenotecha Yisrael! How goodly are your tents, oh Jacob, your dwelling places, Israel!
I love the fact that when we are beginning our prayers with these words we are quoting a gentile.
---------

Balak, he tried to suppress
The power that Israel possessed
He hired Bilam
To curse them and run
But instead of a curse they got blessed

Hukkat Limerick

Hukkat contains one of the most obscure passages in the Torah - the "Red Heifer."
The text teaches that if a heifer is born that is completely red, it is to be be burned and it's ashes are to be used for purification rituals- particulary in the case of those who have come in contact with a corpse.

When you have a pure heifer that’s red
Its burnt ashes are carefully spread
To be used for a cure
If you’re labeled impure
By stumbling on someone who’s dead

Korach Limerick

This week's torah portion tells the story of  Korach, who tried to wrest power from Moses along with his partners, Dotan  and Abiram and 150 other leaders of the community.  Korach says:  "You've gone too far, [Moses], for ALL of the people are holy.  Why do you raise yourself up above God's congregation?"

Ultimately, Korach and all of his followers are punished by God.  The earth opens up and swallows them alive.

Korach is the perfect model for the Demagogue - someone who uses a tiny grain of truth to paint a much broader picture that will serve his own need for power.  Like most demagogues, he is ultimately swallowed up the weight of his deception.

Korach attemped a coup

Which caused a big hullabaloo

But his plan it went south

With the earth’s opened mouth

Gulping him down and all of his crew

Response to Adrian Durlester (Migdalor Guy)

Adrian, Check out Paul Simon's latest CD, "So Beautiful or So What"  Especially the song, "Love and HArd Times."  It's an amazing drash on how we see God and how God might see us.

Shelach Lecha Limerick

In this week's parasha, Shelach Lecha, Moses sends 12 spies to scout out the land of Canaan.  They spend 40 days and nights in the  land (a familiar number, yes?) and return bearing fruits - grapes pomegranates and figs so large that it takes two people to carry them.  10 of the spies report that the land is unconquerable.  They say that giants live in the land and they felt like grasshoppers.  The other two, however, Caleb and Joshua, tell the people that they can, indeed, conquer the land - as long as God is with us.  The people listen to the 10 spies instead of Joshua and Caleb.  As a result, they are punished.

Shelach

Moses sent spies out to scout

All chieftains beloved and devout

Of the 12 that he sent

Only 2 were content

To say, “We can take em’, no doubt!”

Behaalotecha

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This week's parasha, Behaalotecha, picks up a familiar theme for anyone who knows the Jewish community: complaining. The Israelites are learning to deal with realities of life "on the road.". God provides them with Manna-a mysterious food which appears in the morning and sustains their basic needs. Nonetheless, they crave variety and rise up against Moses asking for meat. Moses, in frustration, cries out to God who sends massive amounts of quail.
The quail, however, turns out to be more of a curse than a blessing. File this parasha in the category of "Be careful what you ask for....."

With only the Manna to eat
The Israelites wanted some meat
They cried and they wailed
Till God sent them some quail
Which rotted away at their feet.

Another Naso Limerick: the Priestly blessing

May God bless and guard your sacred space
May God's light fill your being with grace
May you always be true
So God's presence shines through
And reflect the true peace of God's face.

NASO

I have two limericks for Naso.  The first deals with the troubling rules of the Sotah – the suspected adultress.  According to the text, if you suspect that your wife has been unfaithful, the Priests are to administer a special, bitter potion.  If she is guilty, according to the text, her “thigh” will swell (euphemism alert…) and her unfaithfulness will come to light.  It should be noted that the Rabbis eliminated this particular practice a long time ago.

The second Limerick deals with the laws of the Nazerite – or religious hermit.  In general, the Torah frowns on religious asceticism.  Jews pray in community, not isolation.  However, if someone is determined to become a Nazerite, there are specific laws that must be followed.  In particular, Nazarites are prohibited from cutting their hair, drinking wine or coming in contact with the dead.

If you suspect that your wife is untrue

Our text tells us what you must do

Drinking bitters will tell

If her stomach does swell

Then she’s not only sleeping with you.

If a Nazarite you want to be

You must follow these special rules three

Your hair can’t be trimmed

Don’t drink wine - it’s a sin

And from corpses you always must flee

Bamidbar

This week we begin the book of Bamdbar - also known as numbers.   Since Bamidbar begins with a census, this one is self-explanatory:

As Moses prepared to alight

On his journey through wilderness bright

He counted all of the men

Again and again

To see who’d be able to fight

Another poetic parshan - "The Torah in Haiku"

Ed actually gave me the idea for this blog. Check his out. It's great!
http://www.thetorahinhaiku.com/

Behukotai

This week's Torah portion, Behukotai, concludes the book of Leviticus/Vayikra.
It contains a simple formula for staying in God's graces: follow the Mitzvot and all will be well. But- if we stray from the path God sets out for us, we will experience terrible curses. The choice is ours.
Of course, life doesn't always work that way, does it?

If you follow God's command
You will profit from tilling your land
But if you fail to obey
Such curses, Oy vey!
It's quite simple. Do you Understand?

Behar Limerick

Parashat Behar speaks of the Sabbatical and Jubilee years.  The basic idea behind these practices is that we need to give the land a rest - in the case of the Sabbatical (or Shmita) year - every 7 years.  Every 50 years, not only does the land get a rest, but all depts are forgiven, the land reverts to the original ancestral ownership and slaves are freed.  The main idea behind these practices is the fact that even though we may lay claim to property, in the last analysis it all comes from God.

If a parcel of land you obtain/
And reap profit from grapevine or grain/
Though you’ve plowed and you’ve sown it/
You really don’t own it/
God gives and can take back again.